


Perebor

by orphan_account



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-25
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-09 14:08:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10413903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Rick knows nothing of Negan but his brutality. So it makes sense the other man would send lackeys to humiliate and hurt him, tear him down and put him in his place. He assumes Negan knows what's been happening. As it happens, he doesn't.Updated to include an additional chapter, still can be read as a standalone.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There will be a happy ending, because Rick deserves it. Or well - as happy as I can make it...which is kind of sad actually...Sorry!

 

 

The supply truck came like it always did. The sight of the white cube truck sent a shiver of fear down Rick's spine. Rick's heart fell as he saw Negan wasn't with them. He quietly cursed himself, wondered if that had been Negan's intention - for Rick to feel relief at the sight of him. If it had been Rick was falling for it like one of Pavlov's dogs. 

They opened the gate and the truck pulled in. Rick waved down the lookouts. They already knew the drill. They wouldn't be back for another few hours. Sasha and, strangely enough, Rosita were on shift. Their eyes seemed like twin stares of hateful fire and Rick silently pleaded with them not to stir up any trouble. 

Wesley and Rob. The Saviours. More mismatched than any pair Rick had ever seen. Wesley was a tall, white, balding man in his fifties. A small gut hung loose under his shirt. Rob was short, compact. A muscled Hispanic man with a handlebar mustache.

"Hey Doggy." Wesley laughed, smacking him upside the head. Rick tried not to flinch.

"Sasha, Rosita - you go. I'll get you when we're done."

It's how it always was because Rick made it so. It was easier to remove the threat on his people's lives if they weren't directly in front of the maniacs. There was another loaded van of Saviours behind them. Wesley waved them in. They poured out and Rick could see Simon was among them. In the absence of Negan it had to be Simon or Arat. 

The Saviours fanned out in studied directions. They called it showing their presence. As a rule they stayed in the streets and everyone else stayed in their houses. Simon studied the table set out with the delivery briefly before shaking his head in approval and moving on. He grinned thinly at Rick as he passed on his way to the store room. The small crowd of Saviours dissipated until there was only Wesley and Rob left.

Rick took a moment to steel himself and then followed them to the back of the truck. He hadn't fought, not since that first time. Not after he'd been beaten too badly to go on runs. Not since Alexandria had been short on the next delivery. Not since Negan had gutted Spencer for it and killed Olivia. Not since he'd seen Enid dragged behind the delivery truck in his stead.

He knew technically Olivia was Rosita's fault. Only if Negan hadn't been so on edge, if Rick hadn't caused him to be on edge, maybe she would have lived, and Spencer probably wouldn't have died. He knew the story. That Spencer had threatened him. He also knew it was just another angle - another scab for Negan to pick at. Negan most likely couldn't actually give a shit that Spencer wanted Rick gone. Spencer had just been convenient.

Rick was only glad he'd put a stop to it before anything happened to Enid. Seeing the young girl, Carl's girlfriend, shaking like a leaf from fear as the two men had trapped her against the delivery truck. It made Rick sick. He was well aware, if anything happened to Enid - if there was even the appearance of anything happening to Enid - that Carl's life would be in danger too.

So he'd done the only thing he could do. 

He tried not to think about it. Even as sweat beaded on his forehead and his skin went clammy.

Rob pushed Rick against the back of the truck hard enough to bruise where the edge of metal pressed viciously into him. Then he turned to Wesley but his eyes were still on Rick.

"Hey Wes, you ever hear that joke about the dog that gave blow jobs?"

 

 

 

Rick doesn't think about it when it's over. He doesn't even ever think of it before it's actually happening or any of the time in between. He only wishes he could not think about it too even while it's happening. Sometimes, he wonders how no one notices. Then he remembers how pissed everyone is at him.

Carl begrudgingly follows his direction but he isn't pleased about it and it shows in the way he cuts Rick out of his life in pieces. Michonne avoids him. She's not staying at the house anymore. Whenever their eyes do meet accidentally, in public, all Rick can see is disgust and helpless anger at his weakness. He gets it, he does. He hates himself just as much. Once again he's let maniacs take their home. Kill their loved ones. To be honest, it was generous of them to give him a second chance, even if he blew it monumentally.

There's really nothing for it though. And if they're safe and they're alive - Rick can live with that. He can't see any more people die because of his mistakes.

 

 

 

A puff of relief makes it out of Rick's mouth despite himself when he sees Negan in the vehicle. The man's wild, arrogant grin is a welcome sight. Rick breathes easier. 

"Well, looky there Rick, if I didn't know any better I'd almost say you were pleased to see me."

"Negan." Rick nods, neither confirming or denying.

Negan winds an arm around Rick's shoulders in an overly familiar gesture, presses the base of Lucille into the palm of his hand. Rick knows better than to try and get a glimpse of Daryl. They've stopped bringing him every time. He doesn't order anyone away because Negan won't have it. Heath and Tara are standing stiffly by the gate. 

"What have you got for me today?"

They walk over to the table. It's just this side of meager, wouldn't have been enough if not for Rick's run yesterday and Tara coming through the day before.

"Nice...." Negan picks up a pair combat boots, thumps them harshly against the table. "But next time get my size right Rick. You know what they say about dicks and foot size. And boy, you know how big my dick is, don't you Rick?"

Rick stays quiet, silently begs Negan won't make anymore embarrassing innuendo's. Especially not in front of his people. Before Rick can blink Negan is already onto the next shiny bauble. 

"oh, now this is fucking fun Rick. You got me a walkman? Fucking thanks man."

Negan fiddles with it and for a second Rick thinks he's going to break it against the pavement. But then he just sets it down and roughly shoves Rick towards the houses.

"Come on, I want to see the little serial killer and the little angel."

Rick's face colors as Negan parades him through the streets, making him walk in front, a hand pressed to the small of his back.

Carl just glares when he sees Negan but it's halfhearted. Negan notices and grins.

"Hey kid, _knew_ you missed me. And, aw, you too honey." Judith is reaching out for Negan, who takes her in his arms and bounces her up and down. She giggles and Rick feels irrationally betrayed for a split second. Then he just feels stupid.

Negan doesn't stay long. He drops a kiss on the top of Judith's head and gives Carl a wink that makes him growl in anger. He makes Rick walk him back to the gate.

"Well, until next time." He says, nonchalantly, not really meaning anything by it. Rick grasps at it like straws.

"So I can expect you next time?" Negan looks genuinely surprised for half a second before his expression morphs into a sarcastic mockery of itself.

"Why Rick? You miss me? Or you just _got something planned?_ " Negan says lowly, runs a tongue across the insides of his teeth. Rick's certain that the man means for it to sound dirty when he gives a short bark of a laugh as Rick shrinks back. 

 

 

 

Between the visits Rick tries to get things together, get people together. They all know about the Kingdom. It could be like that for them. Once they're on their feet, once the lost supplies are no longer such a burden they'll be able to live freely again. The Saviours will have no reason to keep breathing down their necks.

They call a town meeting, make plans for the spring. For crops and division of labour. For safety and rationing. It seems like progress, feels like it almost, but at the end of the day Rick still has to go out. Has to make it as far as he can.

 

 

 

It almost feels like he's won the lottery when he catches a glimpse of that red scarf as they're approaching.

Wesley and Rob stare hard at him, as if they're disappointed. Which is a little crazy given the fact their abuse is something they've been ordered to do. He pays them no mind.

"Well Rick. I think you promised me something special?" Negan mock whispers loudly so everyone can hear. 

Rick nearly stutters on his words. 

"The..uh, the delivery is over here."

He turns and then there's an unexpected smack across his backside. He yelps.

"Yup, I am one lucky man today," Negan intones to Aaron as he walks by, eyes twinkling with mischief.

Rick doesn't believe Negan will do any of the dirty work himself, not for a second. If anything Negan loves only the spectacle of it, the humiliation he impresses on Rick. Rick will still take Negan over Wesley and Rob any day of the week. He watches Negan leave with some regret. A second visit is rare enough, he knows Negan won't be with them next time.

 

 

 

Rick almost dies on his next run. It's just stupid. A lurker and Rick had been too tired to clear the house he was squatting in properly. It had to have taken the thing hours to make it's way to where he was. It had grasped his leg and pulled itself forward. It's teeth had fastened on his ankle, biting across leather. It didn't get through.

It took Rick almost an hour to stop shaking. His own carelessness had almost orphaned his children. 

On his way back to Alexandria a nearly euphoric burst of joy encases him. It's just adrenaline, but it feels good without the accompanying clammy shivers and nausea. He even knows who will be waiting for him but he makes himself not. think. about. it.

It's only fifteen minutes of hell, and it feels like forever - it always feels like forever. But then it's finished and Rick is allowed to feel like himself again. He goes home, scrubs himself clean, hugs Carl who shrugs him off and presses a kiss to a sleeping Judith. 

 

 

 

He doesn't expect to break down between one week and the next. The last time was bad, sure - it's always bad, but it doesn't explain the icy grip of terror that closes around Rick's heart. Suddenly he can't keep control of himself. His nightmares are loud and he only knows because one night he finds Carl standing at his door, knife in hand, scanning for threats.

It's worse when he wets the bed which begins to happen almost every night. He takes to putting a towel under himself, humiliation roiling through him. Suddenly he feels like he can't face them again. Like anything - _anything_ \- would be better than having to face them again. When he thinks of having to walk out to the gate he freezes, his muscles seize up and his lungs refuse to draw in breath. He doesn't know what's wrong with him.

He has to do it. He knows that, knows there will be consequences for people other than himself. He can't. He just can't.

Ten minutes later he's out the door, regretting his weakness. Hurrying, hoping it looks like he was just caught up. He only makes it through the door and down the sidewalk before he crumbles to his hands and knees, retching.

"What the fuck Rick?" The familiar voice immediately soothes him. Rick feels tears of relief swelling in his eyes. One crawls down the side of his face. It's obvious he's interrupted a conversation. A Saviour is standing attentively by, waiting for an answer.

"Okay, fuck. Yes, kill the fucker." The Saviour nods and walks off. Rick feels panic descend.

"Kill who?" He asks weakly, well aware he's still on his knees over a puddle of his own puke.

"Not one of yours." Negan says offhandedly, "Fuck even your puke looks malnourished, you look fucking sick."

"Who?" Rick asks again, pleadingly. It could be Daryl.

"Like I said Rick, not one of yours. Just some rapist prick from one of our upstanding communities."

"Rapist?" Rick says blankly.

"Yeah Rick, does it surprise you that us heathens still punish criminals?"

"You punish rapists." Rick says slowly, can't seem to wrap his mind around it. It comes out belligerent, Negan scoffs.

"Of course we fucking do."

"Just for women?" 

"No. Sexual assault is sexual assault. As a former officer of the law I'd expect you to know that."

"..sexual assault..." he repeats dumbly.

"That's right. Sexual assault, sexual harassment."

Rick just shakes his head. 

"a-and me?" he asks, has to brutally force the words out, and immediately regrets it. Negan smiles down at him like he's twisting a knife in Rick's gut.

"You're a special case Rick, you know that."

Negan swats his ass and laughs, like he's being playful.

"Do you want me to get Carl or can you take care of this yourself?"

He's glad that he gets a choice and that Carl doesn't have to see.

 

 

 

He doesn't know what he's going to do. It doesn't work anymore. The thoughts invade him everywhere, where he's least expecting them. One minute he's taking a bite of supper and the next tears are forming in his eyes and he spits, choking, not wanting anything in his mouth. He thinks a sob escapes. Carl is looking at him, the disapproving disappointment in his face wavers a little and he frowns. Then he just looks concerned.

"Dad?"

" 'm fine Carl. I just need to..." he gets up from the table and flees the room.

Rick goes out on a prolonged solo run the next day. As he's leaving through the gate he can hear a scoff up above from one of the watchmen. Can't make out the voice but can make out the words.

"Don't feel sorry for him. He deserves to be on a solo run. He caused this mess. Let him be the one who has to go out and fetch."

The words wound him, dig into his heart in a way they wouldn't have before Negan. He would have been able to laugh them off, ignore them. Instead he feels like that same boy he was in the schoolyard, unable to hide his hurt. Weak. He feels weak.

 

 

 

Rick hits the metaphorical jackpot. It's a bunker of a prepper, he's sure of it. The food stuffs are expired but there are tools, manuals, and survival devices. He looks around and knows he can't take it all. That'll he make it back in time only just. He loads his pack and hits the road.

When he arrives it looks as if the Saviours at the gate have been there a while. They're congregated, ready to move out. Arat stops him on his way in.

"We said half but you're late." she says and takes his entire pack. Doesn't look inside. 

Rick takes it as a sign. The bunker will only be used to top them up when they fall short. It's too far to travel unless they're really stuck.

There isn't enough time for Wesley and Rob to do anything to him. They linger, Arat sees and yells. They scatter with fear. It's nice to know they can fear something.

Rick thinks he's got a better hold of himself now, that next time he'll be able to push his own fear down and do his duty.

 

 

 

Negan is there the next time so Rick doesn't think he'll get the chance to find out. Only, he does.

Negan has a dark look about him straight out of the gate.

"Rick, now I _know_ we talked about keeping secrets."

"What secrets are those?" Rick asks, feels it's unwise but Negan's eyes are glued to him like they expect an answer.

"Stuff looked new" He throws Rick's empty pack down. "and I want the rest of it."

"..w-wha" Rick begins and already he's off to a bad start, isn't convincing, "what if that's all there is?"

Negan's eyes go hard and the mirth disappears from his face. Rick's breath catches in fear. Then Negan grins widely but it's almost worse somehow.

"I'm gonna let that slide. I'm feeling generous. Go fucking get the rest of it Rick."

"It's too much to take back by myself. It's far. Took three days on foot."

"Fine. I'll have someone escort you." Negan turns and scans the group of Saviours, says loudly "who here would like to escort Rick?!"

Wesley puts up his hand, Rob follows. And of course Rick knew it just had to be them.

"Well there ya go Rick. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum."

 

 

 

They take the supply van. They tell Rick there isn't enough room for him in the front and lock him in the back after he's sketched out directions. He settles into the darkness, dread in the pit of his stomach. It only takes a few hours to arrive. It's late afternoon and they are eager to get the stuff loaded before nightfall. 

They watch from the sidelines as Rick clears the bunker, hauls everything he can up himself.

"That house we passed on the way here - the nice one, let's stop there." Rob says to Wesley, "I think I want to fuck him on an actual bed for once."

 

 

 

Rick can't account for himself. One minute he's under Rob, and he's shaking more than usual but other than that he is cooperating and the next minute Rob is reeling back from an undercut. Rick crawls up the bed, Rob grabs his ankle and wrenches him back. Puts an elbow in his side. Rick twists, bucking and catches him again in the face. He stumbles back, dazed, and Rick stumbles to the bedroom door. 

There's a walker in the hall. 

Rick freezes. Rob angrily barrels into the hall after him and collides with the edge of Rick's shoulder. He's down, throat ripped out when Wesley gets inside.

There's something in Wesley's eyes. 

"I-I d-d-didn't" he begins but then sharp static cuts through on the walkie talkie on Wesley's belt.

"What the fuck's taking you so long?"

"Sorry sir." Wesley says and it's shocking how restrained he is. Rick wouldn't have believed the man was capable to it. "We'll be there shortly."

He turns on his heel and Rick stumbles after, keeping his distance.

He climbs once again into the back of the truck. 

 

 

 

"What happened to Tweedle Dum?" Negan questions but it doesn't seem like he really cares, he's pouring over his loot.

"Got snuck up on." Wesley says, and Rick's nearly shocked. It's so clearly his fault that it takes a moment to process. When he does he feels the bottom drop out of his stomach.

He knows this is something he's going to be paying for for a very long time.

"You look like you've seen a ghost Rick." Negan throws an arm over his shoulder. Rick tiredly leans into it, wonders how he'd kept himself standing without its support. Negan frowns and uncomfortably pulls away.

Rick's never seen Negan uncomfortable before. 

"Well since you all got back so late, I really have no choice but to stay the night. I'm sure the hospitable people of Alexandria won't have a problem with that, right Rick?"

Rick nods, clears his throat and gives directions to the empty houses. He doesn't expect Negan to follow him home. 

 

"Dad," Carl says slowly, eyes defiant "What is he doing here?"

"You wound me kid, here I thought you'd be psyched to have a sleep over."

"Carl, it's just for tonight." Rick is already pleading, doesn't want any trouble, "why don't you give Negan your bed?"

"Now Rick," Negan scoffs beside him, "I will not be taking the bed of a child while this poor boy sleeps on the floor. I'll share with you."

"I don't have a bed."

"I figured."

"I don't think that's a good idea." He's thinking about pissing the bed. 

"I don't think you have a choice." Negan shoots back.

Rick resists the hysterical urge to tell Negan he'll be in pee pee pants city real soon. The thought is so random and frankly, stupid - not to mention perverse and dark, that Rick can't help but chortle softly. There's a touch of bitterness there but Negan doesn't detect it. Instead, Negan's eyes turn soft when he looks at him but it's probably a trick of the fire.

 

The night goes surprisingly well. Carl is begrudgingly enjoying it by the end. Negan's stories are colorful and ridiculous. The man is charismatic and it's almost too easy to forget what he's capable of and what he's done. Rick wonders if that was part of the plan too, having other hands do his work for him so Rick wouldn't associate Negan's with pain anymore. So he wouldn't flinch when they touched him. He tiredly abandons the line of thought.

The tromp up the stairs is almost normal but once Rick puts Judith to bed it's only Negan standing in the hall.

Rick reluctantly leads him inside the bedroom. A sheet is spread out on the carpeted floor, there's a stack of towels and a thin blanket. Carl and Judith have most of the bedding. Rick can't deny he gets cold, there just hasn't been an opportunity to gather more blankets and most of what does come in goes right back out.

Rick shifts, waits to see what Negan will do.

"You got a side Rick? - actually you know what? I don't care if you do. I'm taking closest to the door."

Negan shrugs his leather jacket off.

"It's kind of fucking cold," he carries on, almost nervously, "lucky there's twice the body heat tonight, right?"

Negan stops, silent for a moment, then he laughs softly to himself. The nervousness and the hesitance disappear. The tenseness drains from his shoulders and slithers into feral grace once again. As if he's finally caught up to how he's been acting.

"What the fuck Rick, I don't even know what the fuck it is about you that turns me into a big ol' pussycat. Meek I am not."

Negan closes in on him slowly until they're an inch apart. His eyes unashamedly take in Rick's face, drinking him in. Rick feels exposed, it's difficult to meet his eyes.

"We gonna fuck Rick?"

"N-no!" Rick chokes out, wonders where Negan got that idea or if it's a power play and he was meant to say yes, if he failed. Negan leans back but his gaze is hard. Rick trembles, wonders what this new turn is. Whether Negan somehow inexplicably knows about Rob after all. Negan's gaze travels downward, takes him in. He sees the tremor.

"Calm down Rick." Negan steps away. 

Then he drops down onto the floor and pulls the blanket over him. He drapes the towels over him too for good measure. Rick's surprised when he holds up a corner for Rick to scoot into.

"You coming to bed or not?"

Rick doesn't want to fall asleep but the exhaustion drags him down.

 

 

 

Rick wakes up gasping. There's a familiar dampness spreading down below and he can't help the humiliated sob that escapes him at that. His face is wet. Negan shifts beside him, sluggishly begins to wake up.

"Oh what the fuck?" he murmurs in disgust and Rick can hear himself let out one loud sob before he manages to cut it off again. If he doesn't breath he can't sob. He bites down on his hand but it's no use. If anything the next escaped sobs are even louder.

"Hey, calm down." Negan says firmly, sitting up. 

Rick can't seem to. Carl appears in the doorway but Negan just waves him off, pulling Rick halfway onto his lap and rubbing firm circles into his back. Carl waits until Rick nods at him before he nods back and leaves the room.

"There we go." Negan is murmuring at him. "Just a dream."

Rick clings to him. He already knew Negan had broken him but this is a new weakness. 

 

 

 

Negan's back the week after that. Rick's foolish to think that will keep him safe. Foolish to think, that now that he is inexorably broken, that it would just stop.

Wesley has an array of toys laid out in the back of the truck. There is an unloaded gun, a whisk, police baton, butcher knife and a spoon. The center piece is a baseball bat.

"Now Mutt," Wesley is saying and Rick has to focus past the buzz in his ears to hear him, "you get to pick which you'd like to take first. But make no mistake, you are going to take them all. You can even pick where you'd like them to go. But _you are_ going to pick."

"Plea-" There's a solid smack, but it isn't as hard as it could be.

"For what you did to Rob - you're going to get fucked to death."

Rick can't just let it happen. Carl and Judith need him. Wesley is startled when Rick nearly knocks him over but it isn't enough. Rick is shoved hard into the pavement and Wesley brings a heel down hard on his hand. Rick can feel it break. Wesley spitefully breaks the fingers too. Rick can't help the weak cry that escapes.

He doesn't hear or see the watchmen call an alert so it's unexpected when more Saviours round the corner. Negan pushes his way to the front. Rick crawls for him.

Whatever Negan was going to say gets lost when he sees the sight Rick makes. Rick's vaguely aware of some of his people edging in through the crowd.

" _Please, please, please_ ," he begs, he grasps at the hem of Negan's jeans with both hands. The broken fingers are only able to paw gently. "For Carl, don't let him. I can be good. I _will_ be good."

When a response isn't forthcoming Rick screws his eyes shut and tries to think of a more convincing argument. Or a compromise.

"I -" he begins and stops because it's hard to say, "I can take some of....just not all. I'm sorry if I was supposed to say yes."

Negan frowns in confusion, takes in the instruments on the back of the truck, seems almost stricken before a breathless huff of laughter breaks through. He pulls Rick up by the collar. 

"You were going to use these on him?" he asks Wesley pointedly.

"y-yes sir."

Negan picks up the spoon, launches it a few meters as if he's in a food fight.

"I'm fucking pissed at you for breaking his fingers, that was unnecessary. I don't like my things broken."

"yes sir."

"You're going to be punished for that." Negan glances at Rick as he says it, as if it's a promise he's making specifically on Rick's behalf.

"I u-understand sir."

"You - " Negan points to someone in the crowd, "get the Doctor. Rick's gonna need a wrap."

After a moment of silence Negan speaks up, piqued.

"Well?"

"sir?"

"What was he being punished for?"

"He got Rob killed."

"I see. So you lied to me? You told me he got snuck up on."

Wesley is trembling in fear at the mirth with which Negan refutes him. Negan sighs.

"Well, you may as well finish his punishment. Use the spoon - I could use a laugh. And Rick, be good."

Rick feels sick. Knows, after this, he won't have the problem of trusting Negan too much anymore, if he survives. He scans the crowd and he's only able to obey because Carl isn't in it. He makes his way to Wesley. With shaking hands he turns and braces himself against the truck.

Wesley's hands unfasten his belt, push him forward until he's bent over. Shoves his pants down to his knees. 

"Hey!" Rick hears Negan yell, alarm coloring his voice. Rick faintly wonders if maybe walkers got through. 

Wesley grabs at him harshly, like he's out of time. Rick thinks he might really faint - wants to. There's only really the faintest brush of cool metal before Rick's pushed forward. A large body comes between them, he hears Wesley get pushed back.

He scrambles to get his pants up, just in time as it happens, as Carl is pushing through the crowd with a distraught Enid.

"I'm gonna fucking kill you!" Wesley howls. Negan has him down the next second, a vicious boot on his chest.

Rick tries to kill the swell of gratitude, not unlike that first time with the axe. Negan's not going to let Wesley, that's all that matters.

Wesley struggles, continues spitting angry words at Rick, "You're gonna pay! You're gonna fucking pay! He _loved_ you! Wanted you on a _bed_  the stupid fucker. But you and I know you're just a filthy fucking mutt-"

Negan brings his boot down hard across Wesley's wind pipe. He's not dead though, he chokes. Negan looks bewildered, as if he can't believe what he's done. He picks up Lucille - and Rick doesn't feel any sympathy for the man but he can't watch, not again - so Rick holds his hands over his ears, shuts his eyes as tightly as he can. He thinks he might be crying.

 

 

 

There are hands on his, trying to gently pry them away from his ears. They don't know yet that he can't. He just can't.

Rick doesn't know how much longer he's like that. As some point he realizes he's curled against a thin, warm chest. His hands finally drop tiredly. 

"It's okay Dad." Carl is murmuring, over and over. His hand is running up and down Rick's back.

"Hey Rick," comes Negan's voice behind them, uncharacteristically soft, "Welcome back."

Rick turns, places himself as a buffer. Stands, if a little shaky. A little further past Negan is a bloody patch on the asphalt. Everyone else has left except the Doctor who' standing some ways away. Negan waves him closer.

"He's gonna fix your fingers up, alright Rick?"

Rick nods. He feels emptied out, hollow. 

"Negan, I-I-"

"what is it Rick?"

"Thank you. For not letting him do that. Especially in front of my boy."

Negan looks displeased. Rick's brain whirls into a mild panic but before he can change to a more pleasing plan of action Negan shrugs.

"Sure Rick. We'll talk about this later. Go get fixed up."

Carl doesn't leave his side. He doesn't look at Rick with pity though so Rick figures he must not know.

 

 

 

Negan stays the night. 

Rick's hand is set and wrapped - as well as it can be. They find Negan in their home after swinging by Aaron's to pick up Judith. He's in the kitchen, sitting at the island. It's apparent he's gotten into some liquor. There's a half bottle still on the counter.

"You want a drink Rick?" he asks.

" 'm fine." is what he says but Negan pours him one anyway.

"And for the boy?"

"No." Rick says, jaw set. Carl doesn't seem the least put out. He looks caught in his thoughts. Judith is getting cranky, it's apparent she's tired.

"I'm going to put Judith to bed." Carl says and he almost leaves the room but something stops him. He backtracks to where Rick is, crushes himself against him as much as he can with Judith in one arm, presses a kiss to Rick's temple. "Love you Dad."

"Love you too Carl." Rick returns the favour, stops to press another kiss to Judith's head, "Love you Judith."

Alone with Negan Rick gulps down his drink. It burns.

"I need to know how far it went Rick." is what Negan says next.

"How far what went?"

"Those guys, what were their names?"

"I don't..." Rick trails off, he doesn't know what Negan wants of him.

"It sounded like it got pretty far - looked like it too. He was going to rape you with a fucking spoon!"

"Keep your voice down!" Rick hisses, vaguely shocked at his own impertinence. Negan acquiesces.

"What did they do to you Rick? I need you to tell me, I need to hear it."

It's asking too much. Rick has hardly acknowledged it in the privacy of his own mind. There's no way he can say it. He picks up the liquor bottle and pours himself another.

"That spoon-" Negan says desperately, "I thought he was just going to spank you with it, you know that right?"

"What?" Rick says, his hands tremble and he pales, suddenly nauseous. The world has tipped upside down, it's unsettling, and he doesn't like the view.

"How far did they go with you Rick?" Negan asks again, plainly.

Rick doesn't answer. He downs his glass. Then he downs another, and another. Negan lets him.

 

 

 

It's as Negan arranges the covers over him with gentleness that Rick snaps.

"Get your hands off me!" he growls. 

"Sure thing Rick." Negan pulls back and Rick's suddenly angry, reaches out with his unbroken hand and pulls him forward.

"Don't leave." he says, and just like that his tongue loosens, "did you think you could just leave? Huh? You - they - did you know it just wasn't that they hurt me bad - they - I wasn't even human- " Rick's voice cracks on the word, "I was just a th-thing that they used. A-a doll. They went really far. No where else for them to go. The worst part is that you - that I - I thought you - "

Rick bursts into tears. 

"I'm so stupid. So fucking stupid. I thought you made them. So I-I didn't. Would you have saved me?" The last part comes out as a whine. "If you knew, would you have-"

Rick chokes off, cries bitterly. When Negan speaks it echoes the self loathing Rick feels for himself.

"It's my fault Rick. We both know that. I don't want to see you blaming yourself."

"They hurt me really bad." he whimpers out.

"I know Rick. I'm sorry."

 

 

 

He wakes up next to Negan, who's watching him. It doesn't look like he's gotten any sleep. Negan's eyes are bloodshot and his hair is tussled out of place.

He makes Rick swallow some aspirin before they head down to breakfast.

It's surprising how much the four of them feel like a family.

 

 

 

It's as Negan's getting ready to go that he motions for Rick to join him on the porch.

"I'm sorry." he says.

Rick shifts weight from foot to foot.

"Not just about this, though fuck knows I am," he says, "but about your boys too. The ones I killed. Hell, all your people I killed."

"I...I never expected-"

"I know.  I was wrong. I guess sometimes it's just easier to ignore all the fucking damage I cause trying to keep people alive."

"They were good people." is what Rick says.

"I know sorry doesn't cut it for any of this shit. I just wanted you to know."

"You're right," Rick says slowly, "instead of telling me why don't you show me that you're sorry?"

"Yeah, I can do that. Was going to do it anyway after this."

"Good. That's...real good."

They stare at each other for a moment. Rick feels something like hope unfurl in his chest, something that's been packed away.

"I don't want to hurt you."

Coming from Negan's mouth it sounds like an admission. The distance between them seems to disappear.

"Then don't." 

"I'd really like to kiss you Rick."

"I-I don't know. Yes? Just- not right now."

"Right." Negan says and swallows heavily. He rests a hand against the back of Rick's neck. "I'll see you next week. Not for- well, to discuss things."

"Okay." Rick nods.

It feels like the beginning of something.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, because it was requested, here is a part two. I hope it doesn't undercut the original. Even though reaction scenes were requested I didn't get into them too much, sorry! this add on ran away from me and wrote itself. There's a heck of a lot of overlap ^_^'

 

 

 

It's so easy to put the man on edge. One comment about his dick has Rick shifting uncomfortably. The comment is loud enough that everyone in the immediate vicinity hears, which really is Negan's aim. He can't deny it's fun. Making the shorter, prim man squirm. But he takes pity and moves on quickly.

"oh, now this is fucking fun Rick. You got me a walkman? Fucking thanks man."

Rick is sun warmed beneath his arm. The coolness of the air conditioned truck hasn't left the leather of Negan's jacket yet. Rick's contrasting warmth seems inviting almost. A lot of things about Rick seem like an invitation. Which is crazy because the man - and he is a man, even if he's slight and finespun - isn't even really pretty like Negan likes. His face isn't as vulpine as Negan prefers and he's not as soft. He's really just a sinewy mass of muscle and malnutrition. 

It's not that his face is unattractive. Only it's too square and there's stubble where Negan likes smooth. His eyes are too light, look otherworldly and judging. It might just be the quirk of his eyebrows, their defined arch, or even his pale pink mouth. Maybe it's just the way he uses his face, but something about him snags in Negan's mind and tugs. 

He pushes Rick forward, makes him walk in front like Negan's a pirate making him walk the plank. He can see the sheer humiliation in Rick's face and feels kind of bad. Still, it's not like Negan can help that Rick takes things so hard, that he's so sensitive.

The Little Serial Killer is glad to see him, doesn't want to be, but Negan can tell he's warming to him. Rick seems to notice it too. He even catches the flash of hurt on Rick's face when his little girl reaches out for Negan. It's so fucking stupid, how easy Rick is to hurt. He must be reeling still from Negan taking a bat to Orange and Asian. Negan has to remind himself, which is fucking ridiculous in the first place, that he shouldn't feel bad. Rick had taken out a hell of a lot more of his men. 

Still, Negan didn't actually care about any of those men. It's disconcerting. Negan can recognize he's grown callous, but if the alternative is to turn into some kind of weeping mess then he doesn't regret it. Doesn't want to be something weak like Rick.

He makes Rick walk him to the gate. It should be because he's trying to make a point, finish strong. But really he just likes the man's company.

"Well, until next time." He says, nonchalantly, not really meaning anything by it. Rick grasps at it like straws, like he's morphed into some desperate creature right in front of Negan's eyes. 

"So I can expect you next time?" he asks. Negan's genuinely surprised for half a second before he wipes the expression off his face. Wishes Rick hadn't seen it and goes with it because he already has. His expression morphs into a sarcastic mockery of itself.

"Why Rick? You miss me? Or you just _got something planned?_ " Negan says lowly, runs a tongue across the insides of his teeth. He's trying to skeeve Rick out, trying to impress on him that if Rick is trying to get closer all he's going to get is that specific brand of vulgarity Rick hates.

He gives a short bark of a laugh as Rick shrinks back. 

 

 

 

Negan, despite himself, is back the next week. He doesn't think about it too hard, doesn't analyze it. He knows in the back of his mind that means he's already lost the objective but - he reminds himself - he actively isn't thinking about that.

"Well Rick. I think you promised me something special?" Negan mock whispers loudly so everyone can hear. Is maybe, just a little, taking his own frustrations out on Rick. The man makes an attractive target, trying to be stone faced but always failing.

Rick nearly stutters on his words, eyes widening. And if he insists on looking scandalized Negan will give him something to look scandalized over.

"The..uh, the delivery is over here." Rick turns away from Negan, opens himself up to abuse. Negan smacks his ass, a little harder than he meant to. Like he's a fucking teenager at a diner trying to flirt with a waitress instead of a man trying to make a very specific point. 

Rick is the one who invited him back, and Negan knows Rick isn't going to make that mistake again. If Negan can't help himself from complying to Rick's requests then Negan is going to have to teach Rick not to make them.

"Yup, I am one lucky man today," Negan intones to Aaron as he walks by, eyes twinkling with mischief. There's steel underneath though, and Negan hopes Rick recognizes that.

 

 

 

Negan doesn't stay away for too long. It's not because he can't. Like fuck he'll admit that he's already regretting not being there last week. 

When they pull up to the gate Rick isn't even at it. Already Negan is feeling irritated - with himself for coming like he has an itch to scratch, with Rick for breaking from his predictable mold. 

He has enough shit to deal with. Laura - who's just arriving from a convoy from a different pick up - is signalling she needs to speak with him and he knows they have a problem.

"Walk with me." He says, as he makes his way to Rick's house.

"There's a man, we'll call him John, he's been causing a fuss."

"With us?"

"No. Apparently he's been using meds and liquor to incapacitate a few of the local women."

"Am I correct in assuming it isn't entirely innocent?"

"They don't remember much. None of them have come forward, they're scared I think. A boy caught him. He watched them through the window. It was his sister. She doesn't remember anything at all."

"Credible?"

"Yeah."

Negan's about to release his verdict just as they make their way down Rick's street, are nearly to his door. He even opens his mouth until Rick spills out his front door like someone lit a fire under him. He doesn't make it far, makes it down the sidewalk before he crumbles to his hands and knees, retching.

"What the fuck Rick?"

Rick is crying. For a moment Negan almost thinks something horrible happened, until he remembers, he is the horrible thing that happened - in Rick's eyes. Besides it's perfectly natural for someone's eyes to water when they puke.

Laura remains standing attentively by, waiting for an answer.

"Okay, fuck. Yes, kill the fucker." Laura nods and walks off. Negan feels Rick's eyes snap to him a second before he actually sees it.

"Kill who?" He asks weakly, still on his knees.

"Not one of yours." Negan says offhandedly, "Fuck even your puke looks malnourished, you look fucking sick."

"Who?" Rick begs.

Negan isn't going to say it's not Daryl. He's not going to baby Rick just for the sake of it. Won't tell him straight out unless he asks. Still, he's sure his next words put Rick's mind at east.

"Like I said Rick, not one of yours. Just some rapist prick from one of our upstanding communities."

"Rapist?" Rick says blankly.

"Yeah Rick, does it surprise you that us heathens still punish criminals?" The irritation Negan felt earlier swings back in full force. Rick, so high and mighty, like he's the only one who has fucking morals.

"You punish rapists." Rick says slowly, can't seem to wrap his mind around it, like he's shocked that the Saviors are not full out barbarians. Negan scoffs.

"Of course we fucking do." Why does he like this man again?

"Just for women?" 

"No. Sexual assault is sexual assault. As a former officer of the law I'd expect you to know that." And Negan had done some digging to find that out, wishes he hadn't laid his cards on the table but Rick doesn't seem to notice.

"..sexual assault..." he repeats dumbly. 

"That's right. Sexual assault, sexual harassment." Negan says slowly as if he's speaking to a half wit. Which Rick may very well be at the rate he's processing the conversation.

Rick shakes his head, an odd gesture, like he's impressing _no_ against Negan's very words. 

"a-and me?" he asks. It takes Negan a moment to understand what he means. When he does Negan smiles down meanly at him. Rick thinks Negan has been fucking harassing him? Negan thinks Rick doesn't fucking know the meaning of the word.

"You're a special case Rick, you know that." Negan says, plays along with Rick playing the long suffering victim. Knows he can live up to playing the villain, if that's how Rick wants it.

Negan swats his ass - like he'd wanted to do the first time instead of that jarring smack - and laughs, like he's being playful.

"Do you want me to get Carl or can you take care of this yourself?" It's not nice, makes light of the fact that Rick is playing the victim, and guilt pulls at Negan afterward when he just leaves Rick there, a mess of puke and dried tears. He probably should have got Carl.

The way the boy looks at his father now - in fact the way the whole of Alexandria looks at Rick, and Negan hadn't actually expected that fucker Spencer's words to take - make that nigh an impossibility. Even Rick's lovely lady doesn't come near him.

 

 

 

Arat brings the tribute in and Negan has to hide the eagerness he feels. Wants to look over the items and see if he can pick out Rick's touch.

He picks it out alright, in the form of new, valuable gear. Rick had only brought half of a water filtration system, still fucking in the box except the hose is missing and there's a second bottle missing from the 2 step chemical water purification set. He has to wonder if Rick is testing him, baiting him or if he really is fucking stupid enough to overlook it. It could be he's just distracted, not thinking straight, distressed. 

Negan has no doubt if it's the latter it's self imposed. Rick needs to accept this is his life now and then they can move forward. 

He's in a truck, mouth set in a firm line, before he realizes what it is he means to do. It's no good, he's too angry, he needs to be cool headed. It'll just have to wait until next time. Every time he tries to push Rick in anger, it seems like Rick just gets further away.

 

 

 

"Rick, now I _know_ we talked about keeping secrets." Negan keeps himself reasonable.

"What secrets are those?" Rick asks, and uncertainty creeps into his eyes. So he hadn't meant to leave half of the equipment missing.

"Stuff looked new" He throws Rick's empty pack down. "and I want the rest of it."

Rick looks shell shocked. He's really testing Negan's patience.

"..w-wha" Rick begins and already he's off to a bad start, isn't convincing, "what if that's all there is?"

Negan's eyes go hard and the mirth disappears from his face. Rick's breath hitches. Negan grins.

"I'm gonna let that slide. I'm feeling generous. Go fucking get the rest of it Rick."

"It's too much to take back by myself. It's far. Took three days on foot." he protests. Negan is having none of it.

"Fine. I'll have someone escort you." Negan turns and scans the group of his men, says loudly "who here would like to escort Rick?!"

Two of his men volunteer.

"Well there ya go Rick. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum."

It's when Rick gets into the back of the supply van, is swallowed up into the dark cavern that Negan begins to feel uneasy.

He paces, knows it's going to be a few hours. He marches around Alexandria, his little group of men with guns behind him. He catches sight of Rick's girlfriend. She disappears faster than a puff of smoke, before Negan can call her over. 

Carl comes up to him, is expecting to see his Dad no doubt and frowns when he isn't there.

"Your Dad is doing a run for me." Negan explains, Carl doesn't look pleased at that.

 

 

 

The long range walkies are actually kind of shit, and Negan is a little embarrassed to admit he's been calling for a while.

"What the fuck's taking you so long?" He snaps out, not really expecting an answer.

"Sorry, sir." crackles through.

Negan's relieved they're on there way. It's not even fifteen minutes before they arrive.

Rick has to wait until the driver comes around and unlocks the back before he can get out - and what if there was a fucking emergency? What if Rick was stuck in there and couldn't get out?

"What happened to Tweedle Dum?" Negan questions but he doesn't really care. The missing equipment is present.

"Got snuck up on." His guys says. Rick is pale, uneasy. Probably thinks Negan is going to punish him somehow for that.

"You look like you've seen a ghost Rick." Negan throws an arm over his shoulder. He isn't sure if he's trying to reassure Rick or scare him. When Rick leans in Negan frowns and uncomfortably pulls away.

And holy fuck, Negan had not considered _that_.

"Well since you all got back so late," he says, hopes to God it's not as transparent as an effort as it feels, "I really have no choice but to stay the night. I'm sure the hospitable people of Alexandria won't have a problem with that, right Rick?"

Rick nods, clears his throat and gives directions to the empty houses. Negan can tell that he doesn't expect Negan to follow him home.

"I don't have a bed." he says, eyes downcast.

"I figured."

"I don't think that's a good idea." Rick is talking about them sharing. It occurs to Negan that maybe Rick likes to be pressed into things, likes to be swayed and convinced.

"I don't think you have a choice." Negan shoots back.

And yeah, there it is, Negan thinks. Rick huffs softly, almost amused. His cheeks flush.

 

 

 

It's only after Negan propositions him, next to the bed, in an enclosed space, that Negan leans back to take him in and sees the tremor. He feels angry - for letting his imagination get away from him, for thinking Rick - 

"Calm down Rick." he says. Begins to make himself as small and as nonthreatening as possible.

"You coming to bed or not?"

Rick slides in like a skittish animal. He's half asleep before he tucks against Negan and no - it's fucked up, maybe not what Negan thought - but he isn't imagining it.

It begins to make more sense when Negan's pulled from sleep, a loud sob in his ear and something wet on him.

"Oh what the fuck?" he murmurs in disgust and he can hear Rick let out one loud sob before he manages to cut himself off again. Rick tries to stifle himself with his fist but it's apparent it's not working.

"Hey, calm down." Negan says firmly, sitting up. He's alarmed.

Carl appears in the doorway but Negan just waves him off, pulling Rick halfway onto his lap and rubbing firm circles into his back. Negan doesn't notice when he leaves the room. Rick is trembling, the hiccuping sobs reverberating through his chest. It's a few minutes before they get smaller, more manageable. Before Rick gets a hold on them.

"There we go." Negan is murmuring at him. "Just a dream."

Rick clings to him. It occurs to Negan that this is dangerous. Isn't really a sane coping method for Rick. But then Rick isn't the one fucked enough in the head to try and jump into bed with the man he'd broken.

Negan regrets it really. He'd broken lots of people - for their own good, he reminds himself, their own survival - but never has he so sincerely regretted it - felt it - as now. It's not like they can go back so it doesn't really bear thinking about.

 

 

 

He knows he shouldn't, but he's back the next week anyway. Can't seem to just fucking stay away. He keeps his hands off Rick though, let's his men take over the details of the tribute. Rick is pale, docile. 

It makes Negan feel bereft. As if he's taken from Rick until everything is gone. 

When the alert is called Negan isn't near so by the time he gets there a crowd is already gathered. He pushes his way through and his heart sinks. Rick crawls to him, his hand all fucked up.

" _Please, please, please_ ," he begs, he grasps at the hem of Negan's jeans with both hands. The broken fingers are only able to paw gently. "For Carl, don't let him. I can be good. I _will_ be good."

Negan is speechless. Rick is so _damaged_ , nothing at all like that first night they met. 

"I -" Rick begins again, stops and starts, "I can take some of....just not all. I'm sorry if I was supposed to say yes."

Negan frowns in confusion, takes in the instruments on the back of the truck and for a minute his thoughts turn dark, alarmed, he's thinking - but no, really? A spoon? He pulls Rick up by the collar. Wants to shake the damage off him, wants to tell him he didn't hurt him _this_ bad so why is he making him feel so guilty?

"You were going to use these on him?" he asks his man pointedly.

"y-yes sir." The man shrinks back. Negan can already tell that it may not be today, but this man is fucking marked in his eyes from this moment onward.

Negan picks up the spoon, launches it a few meters as if he's in a food fight.

"I'm fucking pissed at you for breaking his fingers, that was unnecessary. I don't like my things broken."

"yes sir."

"You're going to be punished for that." Negan glances at Rick as he says it, it's a promise he's making specifically on Rick's behalf. How dare that man touch Rick. How dare he lay out instruments of torture to scare Rick with.

"I u-understand sir." Negan wants to ask _'Do you really?'_

"You - " Negan points to someone in the crowd, "get the Doctor. Rick's gonna need a wrap."

After a moment of silence Negan speaks up, piqued.

"Well?"

"sir?"

"What was he being punished for?"

"He got Rob killed."

"I see. So you lied to me? You told me he got snuck up on."

Negan sighs dramatically, put upon.

"Well, you may as well finish his punishment. Use the spoon - I could use a laugh. And Rick, be good." He says it light, airily.

Rick surveys the crowd, looking out into it like he's about to be executed. His gaze catches on his girlfriend, and she very pointedly walks away. Negan gets it, he's frustrated at Rick's weakness too but it strikes him as unbelievably cruel.

Then Rick is bracing himself against the truck and that's when things start to make sense.

Negan wishes things didn't make sense.

Time seems to slow, syrupy thick. The man pushes Rick forward until he's bent at the waist, Rick's pants fall to his knees. And the spoon - 

"Hey!" Negan yells, shocked to hear his own voice. 

Then he's between them and nothing has happened but Negan is shaking with adrenaline.

"I'm gonna fucking kill you!" The man howls at Rick. Negan has him down the next second, a vicious boot on his chest. "You're gonna pay! You're gonna fucking pay! He _loved_ you! Wanted you on a _bed_  the stupid fucker. But you and I know you're just a filthy fucking mutt-"

Negan brings his boot down hard across the man's wind pipe. If only to get him to shut up. He picks up Lucille and he's not thinking of anything other than bashing this fuck's head in. He doesn't notice until after that he's hurting Rick.

Rick is curled up, hands tight over his ears, eyes squeezed shut.

"Get that out of here." Negan gestures to the mess. "And the rest of you can fucking go now."

"Did you know?" Carl asks, eyes wide and hurt taking in the scene as the body is dragged off.

"No." Negan says shortly. Carl trembles and Negan pulls him into a hug but he pulls away, collapses behind Rick, pulls him to his chest to cradle him.

 

 

 

He doesn't have a right to ask. Knows this. Still, he has to.

"How far did they go with you Rick?"

It fucking hurts to hear it.

 _Sorry if I was supposed to say yes_ indeed.

 

 

 

Negan returns Daryl and Daryl hugs Rick like he's never going to let him go. Rick is pleased, mouth turned up when it happens. And Asian and Ginger had meant as much to Rick too, but he'll never be able to hug them again. Negan feels it like a dagger to his gut. Wonders how Rick can forgive him. There's a hell of a lot to forgive.

Rick's a little broken, Negan knows, otherwise he wouldn't be able to trust Negan at all. Negan should let him go, for his own good, but he just _can't_. Rick has unraveled him. He wonders if Rick can see he is broken too.

Negan catches Rick and Michonne crying outside. They're embracing and it's soft and full of love. It isn't romantic, for how much it looks that way. They smile. It's intimate and Negan pretends he didn't see them. Waits until Rick happens upon him on the front porch where him and Carl are playing cards and Judith is watching intently.

The townspeople are different after that. Some stare at Rick with something close to reverence. Rick, for his part, pretends he doesn't notice, that it isn't happening. That everyone doesn't know, or didn't clue in. And some of them didn't clue in, think what they saw was the extent of what happened. They look at Negan different now too, as if he is actually there to protect them. It makes it easier to soften, to bend to Rick's will, his ideas. 

It takes him a while to realize that yeah, actually, Rick's way is better. More humane, a little soft but there is strength behind that.

Him and Rick, they're trying to build something. Negan has the blocks and Rick has the blueprints. 

He's a little worried, that Rick will come to his senses and break it off. But Rick looks at him like he knows him. Can see to his very core. Despite everything, Negan is still the one Rick is kissing on back porches and after dinners.

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
